The story so far. I should warn you that this is likely to be quite long, and quite detailed, but I like to make sure things are put across properly.
I'm 26, male, slightly over weight, coach an U12 footy team, work permanent nights in a job i used to love but now just bores me, and two weeks ago the love of my life dumped me.
So why am I here? To tell my story, to try and show that this isn't a game anymore, that I'm not playing, and that my feelings are real, no matter what some might claim or believe.
I first met her on the internet about 3 1/2 years ago. we met on a dating site as I was in a relationship that was in the process of falling apart. I lied to her about it, about my job, and about my feelings, but when one day it all came out she forgave me. She was there for me when the relationship finally ended, and about 3 years ago I travelled from Bicester to Preston to meet her, knowing that she was special. Very, very special.
She must have felt the connection to, because we fell into bed together very, very quickly, and why we both now sound like slags, it wouldn't have happened if that special something hadn't been there.
Everything fell into place very quickly. She has 3 children, who are now 11, 8, and 6, the oldest two boys, and the youngest the sweetest little girl you could ever wish to meet.
I spent around 2 years travelling up to see her and the family, 200 miles each way on a Friday night and very early Monday morning and everything was going so well. Life was great, and why we both hated the early morning goodbyes, we knew it was only days until we were back in each others arms.
Lots of things happened in that 2 years. She told me that after her previous relationships (they both ended up with her getting beaten up - the second quite often) she had built such big and strong barriers she was determined she would bring the children up on her own and then go and travel the world. She told me I hadn't just broken down those barriers, but had smashed straight through them and into her heart. She couldn't even go on a girls weekend to Spain without crying because she missed me so much.
Everything was great. There was talk of marriage and a baby, but being a committment phobe I often laughed it off, knowing that the following week she'd say she didn't want either and was happy as things were. Boy was that going to be my downfall! I received texts form her telling me that without me part of her would be lost and broken, and how her immense feelings for me scared her. We were loves young dream, and life couldn't be better. or could it?
I got offerred a transfer with work from Bicester to Preston and of course I jumped at the chance. I moved in with her at pretty short notice and was very soon the man of the house. She has always been a very independant and stubborn woman though and as such I let her keep control of the bills etc and just made sure I paid my way. She had to grow up very quickly as a child and was then pregnant at 16, so she's always had to be independant. of course she stayed in charge when it came to the kids, and I had no issue with that. Those kids came and come first in everything, and she worked so so hard to do her best for them. I was and am so proud of her for that.
A couple of weeks after I moved to Preston we agreed to leave the rough council estate we were living on and set up in a nice area across town. Moving day was a nightmare but we got settled pretty quickly. It was around the same time that she started her own business working from home, sometimes upto 14 - 15 hours a day. She wasn't getting out and seeing people and she had just moved away from all of her friends so quickly became isolated with me and the kids. I truly believe that did a lot of damage, and why I would never ever have stopped her going out, and was happy to have the kids, she didn't seem to want to make the effort.
During this time a female friend of mine who I knew on the internet went through a rough patch. We text and talked on the phone a bit, and i accept I flirted with her, mainly in an attempt to cheer her up a bit. My partner found out about this and went ballistic, saying she had lost trust in me.
We had some rough times in the house because of the landlord and ended up moving again about 5 months later, to a much nicer place where the kids each had their own bedroom, she and I had our own offices etc. Money was always going to be tight as the house was so much more expensive ut her work was going well so she was happy we could get by.
We were still talking about marriage and a baby, and we were still forgetting it a week later. It was the norm to me.
By this time I was most definitely the man of the house, and she would often refer the children to me if they wanted something or permission for something. I had no problem with that, I love those kids with all my heart and soul and if anyone ever asked I would say yes I had 3 children. Only if they delved deeper would I reveal they weren't mine. the youngest two have a father who they see when he can be bothered, and the oldest boy was disowned by his step father (who he had been brought up to think was his real father) late last year. As far as he or I are concerned, I'm his dad, and I will be for as long as he wants me to be or I'm allowed to be.
But then a few months ago things started going down hill. She has a friend who I shall call G. He's 27 going on about 14, and as gay as they come. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against that, but he's one of these who has to let everyone know he's gay. He also has custody of his young son who suffers badly with ADHD, but G spends more time trawling parks for men, or with my partner, orout clubbing, than he ever does with his child, who is passed from child minder to child minder. It was about this time G came on the scene. He's very much young free and single, despite his son, and that's rubbed off on my partner. I think she's started to see just how tied down she is, and how little she wants to be because of all the fun she could be having, and at 28 years old, knowing early menopause runs in the fmaily, she's trying to rebel. She effectively brought herself up, and missed out on her teenage years after getting pregnant at 16 and married at 18, to a bloke who turned out to be a nasty, possessive, and violent piece of work.
In June we had a text conversation where we talked about marriage and babies. She pointed out that she had 2 kids who saw their father when he felt like it and 1 who didn't even know who his father was. She said that she wouldn't be so set on having a child with me if she didn't think we could go the distance, and even though we were going through a rough patch she hadn't even thought about us splitting up or me moving out.
as the summer holidays came things got worse, and she would often spend hours on end out of the house, most often driving in the lake district, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without. She'd get home late at night and the kids would go off to bed, then she'd either hide herslef in her office or watch TV, totally ignoring me.
She's not a talker but when the opportunity did arise she said she wasn't happy but didn't know why. I know work was putting a huge deal of pressure on her, and that linked in with money worries. I did my best to reassure her and we agreed things had to change. it was at this point she pointed out that she had always wanted the marriage and babies and would never have got with me seriously if she thought it wasn't going to happen. She told me she felt that I had rejected her time and time again because of it and she was finding that very hard to take. I promised her it was never ever my intention to reject her and that I would marry her any time she wanted. That day she left a magazine open on a page advertising engagement rings for £50 on my desk. I semi laughed that she thought I would be so cheap, and semi panicked that this was happening - I honestly don't know why. I didn't understand that cheap had nothing to do with it.
Finally she took herself off to Scotland for a few days to clear her head. she stayed in student digs and met a new friend (female this time) and had a brilliant time. She came back on the Monday and spent the rest of the day crying telling me she didn't want to be back.
Things got no better over the next couple of weeks though I did try, perhaps too hard. I was making dinner, taking coffee to her office every hour or so, offering to help with her work in any way I could etc. Little did I understand the damage I was doing.
Just over two weeks ago now I got up early one morning because I had a bad feeling she was going to try and take the kids out for the day without me. Despite being up early by the time I was awake she'd already got them dressed and sneaked out of the house. I rang her at around 9.30am and asked where she was and what she was upto. It was a genuine question because I genuinely cared. I offerred to go and meet her in town but was told no, she was meeting G, and us two together just didn't work (we're not each other's biggest fans, though we tolerate each other)! I said fine and that was that. At about 5.30pm I text her to ask if I was doing dinner for 1 or for 5 and got a text back saying 1, as she and the kids wouldn't be home that night. I asked what was going on and where they all were and she told me the kids were with her dad and she was staying with two friends. I went out of my mind that night and didn't know what the hell to do to deal with what was happening.
She had already done her very best to cut me off from all her friends and family. I quite simply wasn't allowed to talk to them. By doing this, she isolated me totally, as I have no friends of my own (yes, really), and my family (mother & father) have other things to deal with right now. If I did talk to them, she'd go ballistic saying I was being unfair on them and giving them divided loyalties.
The next day she got home with the kids around 3pm. Unfortunately before that she caught me talking to her dad at his house and literally told me to go home, she'd talk to me when she got there. About an hour later she got back and we went into the kitchen. I knew what was coming and said to her that this is it isn't it, it's over and you're dumping me. She cried as she said yes, and I burst into tears. I asked her why and she said the kids had been the final straw - over the weekend two of them had misbehaved and I'd told them off. She said they were both scared and didn't want to put up with me anymore (I should point out that why I can be strict, I adore those children and would never ever intentionally hurt them in any way). That made my feel so much worse, to know I'd made the children feel like that.
We sat the children down in the lounge very shortly afterwards and both cried as we told them. The middle boy cried his heart out why the eldest seemed numb. The little girl didn't seem to take it in and simply hugged us both because we were crying.
That night we sat on teh end of our bed and held each other. we cried our eyes out and she told me she still loved me and that I was still her best friend. I said the same and begged her not to push me out of the family unit or make me feel like an outsider. She promised she wouldn't. we shared a bed for the following few nights and why nothing happened, just being close to her made me so happy, but so scared.
It took a few days but htings started getting bad. The atmosphere in the house became somewhat unbearable and she started to become very angry. The kids were shipped off to their parents or grand parents and she started sleeping on the sofa, despite me offering to.
Things seemed to go from bad to worse though I couldn't understand why. I was trying to best to be nice, helpful, useful etc, but it seemed that nothing I could do was right. Even taking her a brew made me the bad guy. She became very secretive - her mobile phone never left her pocket unless she was using it (which was often), she started locking her office so I couldn't get in there, and I was never told where she was going or who with. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to be possessive, I just had a genuine caring interest. I know her ex had been very possessive and jealous, and so maybe that explains it all, but I'm not her ex, and I never will be - there'll be on that later! She seemed permanently angry, but only with me or people she didn't know - she even bit shop assistants heads off for asking if she wanted help packing!
It was at this time that another of her friends, J, broke up with her partner. Now J is in her 40's and has always had an on - off relationship with this guy, so it came as no surprise. But twice in the space of a week she made very half hearted attempts to kill herself, and twice my partner ended up in hospital with her. She spent a lot of time round there and I know the pressure of J's problems did her no favours. G also decided he was needed in her life at this time and invited himself everywhere with my partner. He has become the sole focus of her attention.
Last week she moved her and the kids in with her dad. He's not in fantastic health and they ended up with 5 of them in a 2 bedroom house, her and our little girl in the bed, the boys top and tailing and her dad on the sofa. it wasn't a great idea and I asked her to come back, offering to have the sofa and stay later at work etc. Over the next few days the kids didn't know if they were coming or going as they'd spend a night at home, then a night at grandads, then an night back home etc. It all became very intense and I know they were suffering because of it.
On Monday night our eldest boy had his friend round to stay. we'd been promising he could all summer and as they started high school on Wednesday it was the last chance we got. At around 10.30 my partner came into the lounge where I was with all the kids and was on the phone to G. She made comment that the kids should really be in bed and I pointed out that, as she had asked, I wasn't sending them to bed as it really wasn't my job anymore. She walked off bad mouthing me to G and I lost my rag and followed. I asked her if we could talk and was told no, she was on the phone. I asked again and said it was important, but was again rebuffed as she went into the lounge, while on the phone, and told the kids to get ready for bed.
I let it calm down with the diea that once the kids were in bed we'd get it sorted, but I was fuming about how G was clearly far more important than I was, and how I knew he was slagging me off to her and trying to be clever and funny. She put the phone down to say goodnight to the children and we each hugged them goodnight. She then went into the kitchen and I followed, asking if we could talk. She said no, and G rang her back. I was getting angry at this stage and followed her. She held the phone out to my mouth so G could hear everything I was saying and I asked her why. She laughed. I followed her to her office and when she tried to close the door on me I stepped in the way and wouldn't let her. We started rowing and she was laughing at me and asking if she was meant to be scared. Then, from nowhere, she looked at me and said "So are you going to slap me now?" I was pretty shocked and asked her if she thought that's the kind of man I am. I pointed out that I'm neither of her ex's and never would be like them. She said I may as well be and G made some other comment to make her laugh in my face. I lost my rag totally at this point and slammed her office door shut, telling her I was off to his house to firebomb it because I'd had enough of him. As I headed for the front door our eldest son was there, I shouted at him to get back to bed and slammed the door behind me.
I got half way to G's then realised what I was doing was stupid, and that however angry I was I wasn't going to sink to that. I turned and went home, but when I got there the house was in darkness and the doors deadlocked. i tried ringing the bell a couple of times and tried ringing her mobile, but she was still on the phone to G. It was only the next day I found out our son heard her tell him to ring the Police if I turned up. She wouldn't answer so I went to her dad's. As I got there and knocked on his door my mobile rang and it was my partner. She told me if I was at her dad's then I either walked away immediately or my stuff would be on the street ready to collect in ten minutes. I asked her why and tried to reason with her but there was pure venom in her voice. Eventually her dad spoke to her and calmed her down. I don't know what he said but it worked. I was told I had ten minutes to get home and apologise to the boys who were at this poin in tears and petrified, and that she'd tlak to me. I spoke to her dad very briefly and was in tears, crying not only because how angry she was with me but because I'd upset the kids again.
I got home and apologised to the boys. She then sent them back to bed. She told me I was sleeping on the sofa and that the kids no longer wanted me to go out with them to Sapceport the nextday (I have since found out from one of them that this is a lie and they never said that). I could do nothing but cry and apologise but was told she was angry and we'd talk the next day. In the end I was so distraught I left my wallet and pin numbers on the side and went out. I text her telling her they were there and that I was sorry and would get out of their lives now. A short while later I rang her and begged her to help me. begged for my best friend back and cried my heart out. I was parked on a bridge over a large river and I begged her to help. She seemed genuinely concerned and calmed me down, telling me she was just angry because the kids were upset and she felt she looked stupid in front of our boy's friend and that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and that things would be ok. once she had calmed me down she then told me I was being cruel and not funny anymore, and was hurting her too much. Then she put the phone down and went to bed.
I have never felt as stupid as I did as I walked back into the house 15 minutes later, a broken man, knowing she held total power over me because I loved her so much.
The next morning was like nothing ever happened and she was as nice as pie to me as she asked me to print her out driving directions. I hugged the kids goodbye and gave her £200 towards that month's rent which she willingly took. They left with smiles on their faces as my heart sank at being left on my own again. When they got back the kids were great though my partner struggled once again to be civil to me, no matter how hard I tried to talk to her, nicely, rationally, calmly. She agreed that as it was our boy's first day at high school the following day they'd stay at home that night, though I was to have the sofa when I got in from work. I had no issue with that.
When I left for work she gave me some money and was nice as pie about asking me to get her some cigarettes while I was out as she was running low. I know I shouldn't have, but fags calm her down, and that can only ever be a good thing. She told me I didn't have to bring them in, just post them through the letterbox, which I laughed at and said no, I'd bring them in. When I did, about an hour later, she had a big smile on her face and I asked why. She pointed to the computer and showed me the house she'd found back on the estate we moved from which she was putting a deposit on and moving back into. I said i was happy she'd be back among her friends and went back to work. I coudln't concentrate though, and came home much earlier than expected to find her chatting on msn and surfing the web. She was miffed I was home so early but as I walked in I told her I wasn't going to try and talk, just lay on the sofa and go to sleep. Despite this she huffed and puffed and went for a cigarette. I sneaked a look at the computer and found msn closed but all the net history still there - nothing of any real interest so I wasn't bothered. When she came back in she took the laptop back and said she needed it for a minute. When I got it back the entire browsing history had been deleted.
The next mornign we dropped our boy off at school and though I could see she was welling up when I asked if she was alright she bit my head off. We went our seperate ways but at about 11am she turned up at the house with the kids and G in the car. She came in saying they were doing her head in so I offered to have them for the afternoon so she could go out and have a good time. She gratefully accepted and that was that until she brought our eldest boy home from school and dropped him with me (we had a footy match to go to) and picked the other two up. In the meantime though the other two had mentioned a sat nav their mum had borrowed from a guy the day before and being insecure I asked if they knew who he was, or what he looked like, or if they'd seen him before. They said no and I accepted it. of course I asked our eldest boy as well and he said the same. I pointed out how serious it was to him and said that although he was only 11 and I shouldn't be pressuring him and I was sorry, I really needed to know. He couldn't help.
I rang my partner and asked her about it. She went ballistic saying she wouldn't be stupid enough to get another man and would turn lesbian first. She also accused me of interrogating her children and has since accused me of using them as pawns in a game, just like her ex did. I pointed out I only asked them a few questions and I didn't realise talking to them was banned, but that only served to make her angrier. Our eldest boy was also petrified now because he'd told me thigns she obviously didn't want me to know. I pointed this out to her, and pointed out how scared I was she was going to stop me seeing the kids. Football that evening (Wednesday) was the last time I saw any of them. I asked if I'd see them again before the weekend and was told probably not.
At this point I should point out that since she moved out I have a few times driven around the estate we lived on, which her dad lives on, to see if her car is there, and which friends house it's outside. Little did I know that everytime I was seen (which I think was everytime), she'd get a text or phone call telling her. She's told me she feels like she's being stalked, and I can offer no explanation other than I care where she is and worry. of course I'm also a little jealous that she's out having a good time with her friends while I'm struggling to come to terms with what has happened and is happening.
We spoke on Thursday, reasonably calmly for us, and I was promised she'd come round Friday afternoon. She had the dentist friday morning and was worried about it. I was meant to be going with her but she took G instead. Friday afternoon came and she didn't turn up, so I text and asked if she was still coming. She said after tea. Well, the evneing came and she didn'tturn up, and when I text to ask her to come, I got a reply saying she was going out and wasn't in the right frame of mine and didn't want her head mashed in and her nice evening ruined. I freaked. I couldn't cope with that rejection and I screamed the house down in tears whilst hyper-ventilating. When I did regain a little composure I went flying up to the estate to see where she was andfound her car outside a friends house. I didn't want to be seen and didn't want to talk to her for fear of her reaction so I turned round and found myself parking outside the ambulance station. I was petrified I was going to hurt myself nad had already looked up suicide on the internet. An ambulance crew on their way out to a job saw me and I was taken to A & E. I was so scared she'd find out and be angry at me for playing games, but I was broken. I've never been so bad.
I sat down with a nurse who talked to me and pointed out I was going through what everyone goes through when a relationship breaks down. I was hurt and upset, not depressed, and there was little they could do for me. I was discharged within 30 minutes and finally phoned my mum and told her I needed to stay with her for a while. She simply replied come on then.
I went home and picked up the bag I'd already packed. I had meant to be moving out on Friday and giving the kids their stability back, but had pinned so many hopes on the conversation that never happened, that I hadn't followed anything up. I know that had made my partner angry as well, she wanted to be back in the house with the kids to.
I left her a note saying I had gone away for a few days and we both needed time and space to clear our heads. I told her I cherished our friendship but I feared she had lost all respect for me and that it was dead. I told her my phone would be on if the kids wanted me for anything, and asked her to let me know that they were all ok.
I drove down her dad's road and round the estate before I headed for the motorway. She wasn't there.
About 12.30pm yesterday she rang me asking if I was going to be home around 3pm. I said no, I'd gone away and there was a note on the table. She asked where and I told her it didn't matter, just away. She wasn't happy about not knowing. We managed to talk reasonably calmly again and again she said I'd been seen on the estate. I said I knew and was sorry. She told me it was pissing a lot of people off. I told her I was scared she had no respect for me anymore, and while I know it must be earnt and not demanded, losing her respect meant so much to me. She said I was right right now there wasn't much left. She asked me again where I was and I simply said away.
I text her after we spoke and said I was sorry for the hurt I'd caused. She asked again where I was and I replied saying it didn't matter, and I felt like she didn't care the night before. I said I just needed to know that when I went back all the hurt and anger would be gone and we could talk sensibly again. She replied saying she couldn't answer as she didn't know where I was or when I'd be back. I said about mid week, and she offerred to meet without the children, on neutral ground, so we could talk. I asked if I could speak to the children later - I got no reply.
So here I am convinced that she wants to speak to me on neutral ground to tell me to get out of her and the children's lives and not come back. I'm petrified, because I know if that happens then I will want to die, and I know how I'm going to do it. without her and the children in my life, as friends at worst, I genuinely believe I have nothing left to live for. I know she thinks I'm playing mind games, but I'm far too broken for that any more. Without her, without our family, I'm nothing.